When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked and didn't know what to do. My other children are older, my youngest being 8. I didn't have anything for a baby. I had to start all over. About 5 years prior I had a miscarriage around my 3rd month, so I had decided not to tell anyone until I knew it was safe. I had p***ed the first trimester. Once I entered my 2nd trimester I started to get excited my girls weren't too happy, but it grew on them and by the time I had my only boy they were really excited. My son Braden was born October 2 still. He was 35-1/2 weeks gestation. I had come home from work that day made dinner and cleaned up the kitchen like always. Then I went to go lay down. I worked 10 hr days and by 7:30-8 I was exhausted. Around 9:30 I realized my baby wasn't moving and he always moved at night. He rarely moved during the day, but at night he moved so much that I always had a hard time falling asleep. I called the hospital and they told me to lay on my left side drink cold water and wait an hour. This was my 4th pregnancy all together. I knew that this wasn't going to work and that something was really wrong, but I did as they said and fell asleep. My husband woke me up at 1 am and asked of the baby had moved. I had told him no and went to the bathroom. I had a dr's appt. in the morning and just thought I'd wait until then to go in. He wouldn't let me sleep.
So I went to the hospital and he stayed at home because the girls were sleeping and we didn't want to drag them into the hospital just to turn around and go home. I thought they'd hook me up, I'd hear the babies heart beat and then I'd go home. The nurse brought me back and tried to find the heart beat and of course she couldn't. She was gonna leave me to bring an ultrasound machine in and at that moment I knew. I started crying hysterically and told her not to leave me alone. She called for another nurse, and then the other nurse came back with the ultrasound machine and a doctor who happened to be at the hospital delivering someone else's baby. The doctor tried to show me my baby's heart, but I didn't want to see. The nurse called my husband and he came to the hospital as quickly as he could. He dropped our girls off with his sister, so it took him a little while. When he got there he just held me. My doctor came in and told me that we were going to induce labor that I had already dilated some. She gave me something that was supposed to make you sleep. Nothing at that point could have put me to sleep. I was so scared. I wanted them to try and revive my baby when it came out. I did not believe them.
It took me until 5 am to call my family and tell them what had happened. I had been upset with my mom because she said she could not come out for the birth of my baby. So I didn't call her to tell her what had happened to my baby, because I had thought she wouldn't come to see my baby when it was supposed to be alive so why would she come when my baby never made it. My first and only phone call was to my grandma. She asked if I had called my mom, I told her no. She then took it upon herself to call my mom for me. Which now I am thankful for, because my mom did come out. She turned out to be a big support for me. She really surprised me.
While giving birth to my son. It was the easiest delivery I had gone through. When he came out I realized why they could not revive my baby. He was already blue. When they handed him to me he was so warm. I thought he'd be cold and rigamortis would have set in, but it hadn't. He was warm and precious. He was and still is my baby boy. He had dimples on his elbows; he had blondish red hair. Lots of hair! He looked just like me except the hair. He had my big feet and long fingers. He was so quiet. His eyes and lips closed. I had to see his mouth so I opened it. His mouth was moist and he had the cutest tongue. He was so little, but so long! He weighed 4lbs 15.5 oz. He was handsome! My angel. Leaving the hospital was the hardest. I knew that when you get wheeled out to your car you're supposed to have your baby in your arms and instead I had his memory box of all the nice things the hospital had given me. I had tears running down my checks instead of a smile on my face. It was hard. I just kept thinking what are all these people thinking of me I p***. They all looked at me quietly not saying a word.
I had all the tests ran an autopsy everything. When I went in to see my doctor for my last visit she had told me that my son Braden was as healthy as could be. There was nothing wrong with him. But that his umbilical near his belly button had a small tear in it and it had started to pull away from his belly button causing some bleeding near his belly button. I thought when my dr handed me my son that his cord looked different. It was a clear yellowish color like medical tubing. About the first inch to inch and a half near his belly button, but at the time of delivery everything was a big shock. I didn't think to ask questions. I just wanted my son. I also found out that I have a genetic disorder that can cause early miscarriages, clotting issues and my body has a hard time with new cell growth. I have two different genes of this disorder. My dr. says this had nothing to do with Braden, but I still wonder. She has put me on a lot of vitamins that she says doesn't correct the problem, but can kinda give everything a new path to go around the bad gene. Or at least that is how I understood it.
I sit here now happy that I was finally able to share and get things off my chest. I still cry, hurt and have a hard time with everything, but I am told it will get easier. I just want to be able to be happy again, not just pretending.
