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[Christy]

I would like to share my story…
It has been a little over three weeks since I lost my son, Conner Bean Williams. I was thrilled when I found out we were pregnant with our first child. We had only been trying for about three months. My niece gave the baby the nickname “Bean” when I was six weeks along. My pregnancy was going great, I was healthy and everything was right on schedule. I went for my 20 week check up and sonogram on September 18th and was given an “A+”. The following Monday my husband and I left for vacation to celebrate our anniversary. We went to Disney World which is where my husband proposed to me and where we couldn’t wait to take our baby in the future. We were having a great time “showing” “Bean” all of our favorite things about Disney. Wednesday night September 24th my husband felt our baby move for the first time! The next day was our anniversary and at lunch I realized I hadn’t felt my baby move but I thought it was where we had done a lot of walking that day and Bean was asleep. By that night I still had not felt the baby move and I was worried. I felt fine, no pain, no contractions, no spotting everything was normal I just hadn’t felt Bean move. We were flying out the next morning and would be back home by 9:00am, so I decided to wait and call the doctor when we got home. The doctor had me come into the office to “ease my mind” although everything was probably fine. After arriving at the office two different nurses and the resident doctor tried to find a heartbeat ***uring me everything was fine.  They sent me next door to labor and delivery for a sonogram when they could not find a heartbeat once again telling me sometimes the heartbeat was hard to hear depending on the position of the baby. After waiting what seemed like an eternity the doctor came in to do the sonogram.

There was no heartbeat… my world stood still. God had taken my baby home.

I gave birth to our beautiful son at 8:50pm the next day September 27, 2008. We decided to keep the name Bean, so we named him Conner Bean Williams.

I am so very blessed to have a wonderful supportive husband, family and church. I don’t know how I would have gotten by the past couple of weeks without my faith in the Lord. I have felt his presence every step of the way. I still hurt everyday and imagine I will for a long long time.

[wendy]

hi christy...
i'm not usually one to join chats...but just last week we lost our little boy too and after reading your story i had to respond...the similarities drew me.  we had just returned from a trip to florida on monday, and found out our littel guy was gone on wednesday.  my husband and i are celebrating our 10 year anniversary on friday.  this pain is like no other, isn't it?  please take care.
wendy 

[JacobsMom]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for both of your losses.


Morena

[Christy]

Wendy
I’m so sorry to hear about your little boy. How far along were you when you lost your son? Yes you are right this is pain like no other. It has now been two months and it still hurts everyday. Some days are better than others but it’s still very hard. I am thankful to have a great husband who has been very supportive even during my “crazy” times.
I’m normally not one to join chats either but this site has been very helpful. It was nice to see that the feelings I had were normal.
Christy

[wendy]

hi christy...

i was 19 weeks pregnant with matthias.  we went in for our mid-way ultrasound...expecting to see thumbsucking or waving...and after a few cute profile pictures the ultrasound tech got this look on her face and excused herself to get the dr.  i just knew.  my husband and i were mortified...but we also had our 5 1/2 year old daughter, briella, with us so we had to remain collected.  at first i was so sad for her...she's been asking to be a big sister since she understood the concept.  each week when we left church she would ask: "mommy, is there a baby in your belly now?  that's what i prayed about."  then my heart broke for my husband...he just kept rubbing my back trying to remain strong for all of us.  we've been battling secondary infertility (PCOS) for 2 1/2 years now.  finding out we were pregnant after returning from my brother's wedding was such a blessing...a weight lifted from our shoulders.  when we hit that magical end to the first trimester i felt such relief that the 'risky' time was over.  naively, i hadn't ever considered this.  we've been fortunate to have never known anyone to experience anything like this...and honestly didn't realize how frequently it occurs until i found sites like this.  but at times i feel like i should just stop reading too...info overload.  i find myself awake at night with a thousand thoughts running through my head.  i'm not sure that'll ever stop...right now i can't imagine how it could.  but with time, i pray that some healing will come.  it seems that with each step this all becomes more real and although i've dreaded each one, they've brought some sense of comfort in the long run.  take care.

wendy

[Christy]

Wendy,

I was just like you and thought I was home free after the first trimester. I had no idea that things like this happened. I was shocked to find out how often things like this happen. Actually it scares me. I am so afraid that it could happen to me again. The doctors don’t know why Conner’s heart stopped but they ***ure me that the chance of this happening again is very low. I can’t help but worry.

I still have bad days and expect to have them for a long long time. Nights are much harder for me. I travel a lot for my job and being alone in a cold hotel room does not help the nightmares. It’s not always easy at home but at least I am not alone there.

 I can’t imagine Christmas is going to be very easy. I am helping out with the Christmas play at church and it makes me so sad because I would have played Mary had I not lost Conner. Funny how losing Conner has changed the way I look at everything.

Thinking of you and your family,
Christy

[wendy]

hi christy (and all ),

as i sat in church today and looked at the statue of mary i was reminded of you and all of the mommies on this site and i said a little prayer for all.  i hope the play at your church was not too hard for you.  i'd imagine that you are experiencing the same roller coaster that i do.  somedays i can handle things with a sense of calm and a few deep breaths...and other days something will come out of no where that sets off the tears and emotions. 

i laughed when i read what you said about this experience changing your outlook.  i completely agree...i told my husband that those few seconds when we found out he was gone were by far the most influential seconds i've ever experienced in my whole life.  but for good and bad i'm really working at embracing the "new" me.  funny how much i feel i've learned about myself in this past month...and what i've learned about those around me.   

has anyone else attended a wave of light ceremony?  if you have the opportunity, please do.  we attended last weekend at the hospital matthias was born at...it was amazing.  both my husband and i and our daughter left there with such a sense of peace.  i realized that there's real comfort in knowing that other couples/moms know how you feel. 

i pray that the holidays are happy for you all, and that you find peace and health in the new year.

wendy

[wendy]

hi christy!

just wanted to check in and see how you were doing...still praying for you

wendy

[aileen]

hello i hope everyone is doing well i am sorry for your losses. i don't normally join chats either but i thought it might help. in the end of october when i was 5 mos. w my son daniel on a routine dr. visit no hearbeat was detected. just when i thought i was in the clear. i was still grieving the loss of my mom in late jan 08. the loss of my mom was heartbreaking compounded w sadness for my brother who is struggling w a fatal disease. but my daniel's unexpected p***ing felt like a slap in my face. i am healthy, & young n all my test results came bk normal. i don't know maybe i was missing my mom too much, maybe the pain i felt for my brother. my spirit is kind of broken. i have been doing ok but my due date just p***ed n i have been thinking about my boy n feeling regretful.

[Christy]

Hey Wendy

Sorry it has been so long. I haven’t been to the site for a while. I hope everything is going good for you. I am doing pretty well. I still have bad days… my due date was hard and Easter was hard. My husband and I are trying again. I’m excited and nervous and impatient and grumpy and afraid and jealous of every pregnant woman I see! I long so much for the innocent hope I felt before I lost Conner.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Christy

[Christy]

Aileen

I am so sorry to hear about you little Daniel. Do you have any other children? I am also sorry to hear about your mom. I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I know how frustrated you are. I am also young and healthy. I did everything right while I was pregnant. I ate well. I drank plenty of water. I took my vitamins everyday. I read every book I could get my hands on. I did everything by the book… I was obsessed with making sure I did everything that was healthy for the baby I was carrying. So when I lost Conner all I could think about was “why me?” Why was it that there were women out there who were not healthy or who did things like smoke and drink during their pregnancy and they got a healthy baby? Why was it that I lost my child that I wanted and loved when there are people out there who get blessed with another miracle when they don’t take care of the children they already have?

I know in my heart that Conner is in the arms of my Lord and will never have to suffer. Oh the selfish part of me wants him here but I know he is where he belongs. I thank God everyday for blessing me with Conner. I still have really bad days but I am blessed with a wonderful husband who helps me get past those.

Aileen you will be in my prayers.
Christy

[wendy]

hi again!   it's been forever...sorry for the long delay in response...i haven't been back in some time.   things on my end are good.  no trying for us yet...my system is all screwed up again.  i know the stressful process of fertility ahead and i don't know why but i just don't want to go there yet. 

fortunately and unfortunately we had 2 neighbors expecting at the same time as us, one 2 weeks before us and one 2 weeks after.  So, from Easter on we all had a really hard time.  things are back to "normal" again for me...i've finally held the babies...not as bad as i thought it would be.  but the constant reminder of what should've been is really hard on my husband.  my daughter struggled with that as well, but has adjusted. 

in a very strange twist, i reconnected with a friend from college a couple of months ago on facebook.  believe it or not, she went throught the same thing at the same time, with our due dates only days apart.  we've talked a lot back and forth over e-mail, and having her re-enter my life has been such a blessing. 

i'll keep my fingers crossed that you have good news to share next time you write!    

prayers,

wendy

[Christy]

Hey Wendy!

Sorry it has been such a long time. How are things going with you? Are you guys trying? any luck?

We are still trying with no luck. The longer we try the harder it is to keep my hopes up.

One of my store managers is having a litte boy in December so watching her "grow" is not easy. I am so happy for her. It is such an exciting time! This will be her first as well. BUT it also makes me so sad.

[wendy]

Hey there! 

I was just cleaning out old e-mails and realized I had never wrote you!  I'm so sorry!  We just started trying this month.  I found a new fertility specialist that I really like, and have had several friends go to with success.  Fingers crossed!   How about you?  I'll bet you're prego now with my 4 month response time!   I'm hoping so...fingers crossed on the other hand for you!

Blessings,
Wendy