2 months today. I've been a mess all day and I only just realized its been two months today. My husband and I found out last March we were expecting. It was completely the wrong time and not at all what we had planned but we were excited. I have 3 children from a previous marriage that we both love very dearly but to share that bond, to know that something created in love was growing inside me... The pregnancy was rough. I was sick a lot. Dizzy spells, fatigue. I got the stomach flu twice, a bad cold at the beginning, and we suspect the H1N1 flu at the end. But the one re***uring thing had been that our baby girl seemed to be healthy and flourishing. Ultrasounds showed no problems. My blood tests all came back good. I was growing like I should, her heartbeat was always strong, and she kicked all the time. She was so active. The kids, my husband and I would watch my belly moving and laugh. Two days after her due date I finally started going into labor early early in the morning. My labors always take a while and I could tell it wasn't serious yet so I went back to bed. I remember as I was laying there feeling a shuddering, shaking feeling in my belly. I don't remember feeling her move after that but I wasn't really paying attention. I p***ed it off as part of the labor. All I cared about was she was finally going to be here. Early afternoon we finally went to the hospital because the contractions were getting harder and faster. We were so excited. Our families were so excited. Once there they immediately tried to hook me up to a monitor to find the baby's heartbeat. Routine. Except the nurse couldn't find it. She brought in another nurse to try. Then they tried a doppler. As that horrible dread starting sinking in they called for an ultrasound. I still remember all the details so clearly. Seeing the heartbreak on the nurse's face when she told us that we needed to prepare for the possibility that our baby was no longer with us. Looking at the ultrasound and not seeing what we were so desperately looking for. All the while my body is progressing with the labor. We found out her heart wasn't beating at 3pm but didn't deliver her until 6:37pm. I had her naturally. She looked so perfect. I remember how surreal it felt when our family came in. Almost everyone held her. She looked like she was sleeping. We all just kept waiting for her eyes to open. We opted not to do the autopsy. They couldn't guarantee that we'd get answers and we couldn't justify cutting into her for a maybe. So they took lots of blood from me and sent it off with the placenta. The only answer we've gotten is that my blood tested positive for having had toxoplasmosis. We don't know where or when I got it but one of the things it can cause in infants is seizures. The doctor thinks that's what I felt in those early early hours. Near as any of us can figure, the flu I got at the end probably weakened things in her system that were already weak from the toxoplasmosis. There was almost no amniotic fluid so they know that something in her kidneys or bladder weren't working right. The whys never stop but we're trying to just be at peace with knowing that she's in God's hands right now. She will never know pain or sadness, only the beauty and love of heaven. And ironically, being two months today from when I lost my beautiful Kathryn Ann isn't why I was upset. My husband's sister is pregnant. She's already a single mother to a 3 year old girl who she spends most of her time trying to pawn off on other people so she can party. And now she's pregnant again. No longer with the man she got pregnant with. Her ultrasound was today. I found myself praying all morning, begging God that it would be a boy. Its not. She's having a girl. She who doesn't really want to have the responsibilities of being a parent is going to have a healthy baby girl. It just hurts so bad. I know its selfish and its petty and I would never say anything to the rest of the family but I am hurting so bad right now. Most days I'm ok. I can get through the day and laugh and smile. I know our grief is selfish because she's better off and we WILL get to see her again someday. But today hurts. And I feel so alone right now. My family is in Norway visiting my brother and his wife and their 4 month old baby boy. My husband is sleeping because he took on overnight shifts at work this week to help out. I know he wouldn't care if I woke him but I know he needs his sleep. So I needed to vent. I just wonder if it really does get easier. There are days i'm ok but when it hits it still hits really hard. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.
Angie
